My Soliloquy

I can’t believe that tomorrow I head back to school. I knew the break would go by fast, but it seems to have gone by faster than I expected. I love being home, and I don’t love living in the dorms. I admit I semi miss classes, and I miss a few people, but all in all I would be very happy if I did not have to go back tomorrow.

I’ve felt “off” for the past couple of weeks. Actually I’ve felt very lonely. I have people around me all the time, but in most circumstances I don’t feel like I belong. At church I do not feel like I fit in the crowd. I “serve” on youth staff, but I feel estranged from everyone else on staff. Honestly the only two people at church that I feel close to are my pastor’s daughters. Everyone else I feel as if it’s all just some shallow game. At school it is no different. Nearly everyone is first name friendship and that is it. Their are just a few people that know me more than that, but no one that I feel really knows me. I do not feel like I belong in either place, and I don’t understand why. I’ve tried very hard, but I do not fit. I believe I shall always only have a small group of friends that are really friends, and perfectly okay with that. My problem is right now I don’t feel like I real friends with anyone. I feel like my life is artificial, and I don’t really know how to change it, or even if I want to change it. No, I know I do want to be known, but a person can’t just trust herself to anyone. I long for the relationship where the other knows every bit of me, and vice versa. Right now though I feel a great void in this area. I just want to be known, and be safe in that. 

I cling so strongly to God right now. I long to know Him more. I know that only He can fulfill me desires. Perhaps this lonely feeling is God calling to me to know Him more, and allow Him to be everything to me. This is actually what I’ve been feeling for a while. Now is a time to focus on God, and give Him my all. I believe in that He will eventually bring along that relationship that I’ve been longing for (of course I mean my husband:) 

I think I might confuse people in the fact that I always want to go home from school, but the reason is because at school I feel painfully alone, and at home I don’t. I’m don’t feel truly known by anyone, but at home I feel the most known. My family understands how I think for the most part. I space to think and be myself. I have my sisters there, and my mom who is amazing. My family is a cracked pot, but I love them all and I can’t wait for school to end so that I can stay at home. But alas, tomorrow I head back to the dorms for I think seven more weeks of school. Oh God be with me and give me strength to make it through.