My Soliloquy

Because of the snow that we had over Christmas my family was not able to get to our house to have dinner, so we postponed the meal until today. Many members of my extended family came to my home today. Aunts and uncles. Grandparents and cousins. It was honestly way too many people for the size of our house. I’m not really big on crowds in the first place, and it always seems worse when the crowd is in my own home. I’m just very glad that the holidays only come around once a year. I do love my family; I would just rather have  only a few of them around at a time. 

Anyway that is not what the topic of this blog is. The topic is really about babies. There were two babies at my house today. Two sweet and adorable baby girls. I really enjoyed playing with these babies, but I would rather have not had them come. I’m not exactly feeling depressed, but something bordering on that feeling, and I feel this way for two reasons.

#1. One of the baby girls looked a lot like baby Lou Lou who I wrote about several posts ago. This baby was very precious and I enjoyed seeing her, but the whole time she was here I was being reminded of my Baby Lou Lou. I loved her and still love her so much. Argh it was like ripping the scab off a horrible wound. (Jenny this is just another good reason you were not here).

#2. I WANT A BABY SO BADLY!!!! It’s not even funny how badly I want to be a mother. Of course I want to be a wife first, but thinking about that makes me feel even worse because I’m not even in love with anyone yet. It’s looking like it is going to be a long time before I ever get a baby. There aren’t many people in my life who can  relate to what I’m going through, so obviously I’m feeling quite alone also. I would just really love for the next season of my life to start. I so want to find the right guy and then start a family. Of course I want everything to happen at the right time, so I am going to continue to wait (like I have any other choice in the matter I trust in God’s timing, and I just pray that He helps me to have patience enough to wait for his best. Oh but it is so hard to wait, especially while I see other people getting married and having babies : (

I feel the need for something new. I’m sense as if I’m needing to make a big change in my life, but I’m not at all sure what that’s suppose to look like. I’m just very dissatisfied with who I am and where I am. It doesn’t help that every day for the past two weeks has basically looked the same but, I know that this feeling is more than just cabin fever setting in. 

Many people start to look at their lives around this time of year; going over what has happened over the past year, and what they could change going into a new year. A new year is always a great time to start something new, or change something old. I suppose that the coming new year is also playing a part in my feeling the need to change. I think my desire to change runs even deeper than this though. I think it’s where I find myself in life, not just the time of year I find myself in. 

During my break from school I’ve mostly just been relaxing. Being snowed in has kept me from work, so I seriously have just been enjoying myself; spending all my time doing the things I love. All of this free time has given my plenty of occasions to think about my life, and the type of person I am. For many years there was very little I could find in my life that I enjoyed, and very little I could find in myself that I liked, but this is no longer the case. For the most part I really enjoy life, and I do like many things about myself, yet I still find that I am not content. I need life to change, and I need to change. Priorities need to change, dreams need to change, lifestyles need to change. 

I have one semester left at my school and then I’m headed somewhere else. This is the perfect time for me to make changes. This next year of my life I’m going to start focusing on different things. I’m also not going to let myself ignore who I am. I’m really good at neglecting myself when I’m in school; especially if I’m normally with friends. I can’t let this happen this coming semester. I’m very much a student type of person, so I will continue to work hard in school, but I’m also going to focus on other areas that I want to grow in. I can’t possibly do all I that I want to do while I have to focus on school to, but I’m determined to do the things that are high on my list. Now I just need to figure out what all I am going to put on this list. 

Excuse me, I have more thinking to do.

It’s finally snowing outside. For a week now I’ve heard of it snowing everywhere else, but not seen real snow here. Well ok so there was real snow, but it didn’t stick, so it doesn’t quite count. Anyway for a week now I’ve watched the news and seen the snow on the tube, but couldn’t enjoy it myself.

 I live in a valley which requires going up hills in order to get into any of the real cities near my little town. Now all of these cities have gotten snow and ice all this week, which made it impossible for me to go anywhere except to my little town which holds nothing of interest for me. Needless to say I’ve been bored. I also have not been able to go to work. I work in a school at one the cities that got snow, and because they got snow school was cancelled, so I haven’t worked in a week either. This SUCKS!!! Not only do I not get to play in the snow, but I also DON’T GET TO MAKE ANY MONEY!!!! ARGH!!!

On the plus side I haven’t had to get up early all week and you can guarantee I’m taking advantage of that. I’m staying up late watching vlogs on youtube. I’m exercising, reading, crocheting and watching movies. That basically sums up my winter break thus far. Not at all exciting, but very enjoyable to me nonetheless. ( I like that word “nonetheless” it’s very nice)

I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about my future, and though that is for another blog, I’ll just say that I’m freaked at what the future hold. Freaked in both good and bad ways. This depends on what aspects of my future I happen to be thinking about at that moment. 

Anyway, I think I shall go spend a few more minutes on youtube, and enjoy the company of my wonderful furry boyfriend Tobi, who is currently snoring/purring while he naps beside me.

So it’s been snowing off and on here all day, but no enough to really go out and play in. Everything is pretty, but I can’t say I am a fan of this kind of snow. It does me only harm . Not only am I trapped in my town, but I have to miss my dentist appointment tomorrow, which I really needed to go to because  my wisdom teeth are making it hard to eat. 

Anyway the current state of the weather is not what I’ was going to write about. Actually my thoughts have been taken up by so many different things lately I’m just going to puke a bunch of stuff out of my fingers and then maybe I’ll come back later and write on topics more specifically. 

I couldn’t be more thankful to be in Christmas break. I love my school, but I’m getting ready to move on I think. Not that I know exactly where I’m going from here, but ideas and options are opening up to me. 

I had to say goodbye to my brother once again, and it sucked. I hope that he decides to get out of the military when he has the chance because I’m tired of saying goodbye to the only guy in my life that I actually have a good relationship with.

Being able to read for pleasure is one of the greatest things ever, and another reason to be happy about being on break. 

I’m suppose to be getting a new computer from my brother for Christmas and am VERY excited. 

Christmas lights make me very happy, but also remind me that I have alot  shopping to do and might just be iced in all week. 

I find it amazing how wrong you can be about people. It’s always so disappointing to think you know someone and then find out that person is not who you thought they were….yes very sad.

It is going to take me years to crochet a blanket. 

I’ve been wanting Thai food for weeks, and who knows when I’ll get it. 

I’m excited to see friends I haven’t seen in months and months.

It’s amazing how God always provides. 

Have you ever thirsted for a change so badly that you would do anything just to slake the longing for a short time? I bet you I’ve gone to more drastic measures than you. I need change so badly right now, and I don’t know what I should do to obtain it. 

I’m almost 21 and this has been freaking me out for while. I hate the idea of getting older, and not feeling like I’m getting any further on in life. 

I’m still single and I don’t want to be, but lately I’ve just wanted to move on so badly that I’m willing to do it alone. I hate always being reminded that I am single, and this is another reason why I am glad to be on Christmas break because everyday at my school I am reminded that I am single. 

I wonder if the man I’m suppose to marry also feels lonely? Do you ever feel lonely? I know I’m not alone in feeling this, but dealing with the feeling makes you feel like your alone in it, and at that point this feeling is what matters. Can you follow that at all? If your lonely then you should be able to.

I have some very exciting prospects for next Fall and I just pray that God gives me clear direction and provision. 

Alright, I need a drink of water so my blog is done.