My Soliloquy

So this is an essay that I wrote for my Pentateuch class that my teacher had me share with the rest of the class:

     I had huge doubts on being able to find something in Leviticus to do a devotional essay on, but the first time I sat down to do the reading for this class I stumbled upon something that really stood out to me.

     Leviticus 6:8-13 talks of the burnt offering, and how the priests are to perform this ceremony. I was reading it just like any other part of Leviticus, really just trying to get through the reading, but I noticed that in this passage is repeats three times the necessity of keeping the fire on the altar burning. If something is repeated three times in one short passage I know that it’s got to be important. I don’t know all the significances of these types of sacrificial offerings, but reading this I personally received the message of needing to always keep the fire burning in my own life. 

     As a child of God I am suppose to live my life wholly unto him, and this is seen in my living a life of continual sacrifice to God. I cannot be a person who offers something to God, and then takes it back up once the passion behind the offering has gone. No, I have to continually lay my life down as an offering to God.

     Also, the whole idea of needing to keep the fire always burning just reminds me of the importance of having the fire of the Spirit always burning within me. If the fire of the Spirit remains in me then I will not be able to help but live my life as a sacrifice to God.

Romans 12:1-2, I am to be a living sacrifice unto my God, and live holy and pleasing unto Him.

     My relationship with God and my sanctification are things that are forever growing and being worked out. I am always becoming more and more like my savior, and it is through the purifying fire of the Spirit that this is taking place. Fire is a purifier, so if the fire is continually burning then it is continually purifying. “The fire must be kept burning on the altar continually; it must not go out” (Lev. 6:13). 

So today marks the anniversary of one of the saddest events of my life. Two years ago my older sister and her family were trying to adopt a little boy and a baby girl. They were the cutest little red heads you’ve ever seen. We’d had them in our family for about a year, and I was totally in love with them, especially little Baby Lou Lou. My gosh just writing this blog makes me want to burst into tears. I loved her so much. More than words can express. I don’t know if there is anything more painful then losing a beloved child from your life. The sting never seems to lessen. I think about it less, but when I do think about it the emotions are just as strong and painful. What makes it even worse is that we don’t even know where they are. The state decided to give them back to their mother. A woman who had abused and abandoned them, and who had given birth to another little girl while during the year we had the kids, and this poor little baby was addicted to meth. Yeah given our babies back to this woman makes perfect sense doesn’t it. (dripping sarcasm right there….pissed sarcasm). This is why I hate the state system, and nothing that anyone says will ever convince me otherwise. Actually if someone tries to convince me otherwise I might just hit them, so I don’t suggest you go there.

Anyway, today is the day that we lost our little red head, and it is very depressing. I’d do anything to have them back. Stupid little memories are playing over in my head of things we all did together. Like how Alicia fell asleep on me on Christmas day just after we’d gotten them. Or how she use to love to drink my smooties and eat cold green beans with me. And how Tami and I taught her how to dance to rock music, and how when she would see me she would throw her hands in the air and run after me saying “Teppy Teppy.” Yeah I’m basically killing myself while I write this, but I have to get it out. So far I haven’t started crying yet. I’ll probably hold it together until I get into bed tonight. 

Here’s some pics of beautifull Baby Lou Lou

I hate times of discouragement, not that anyone likes such times. I just say that cuz I’m in the midst of one and I feel like complaining. Actually I feel more like crying, and admittedly I already did cry a bit, and I don’t really want to cry anymore. Life is just so crazy right now, and I just wish the ground would stop shaking under me. It’s hard to play the part of being happy when all you wan to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Now I’m not saying that life is bad by any means. I’ve got a lot to be very thankful for. Plus, my brother will be home for a visit soon, and the holidays are practically here. But even so things could really start to settle down. I feel so bad for my family and our financial crisis. I’d do anything to help them, but there is really nothing I can do. And for myself I just wish I knew what I was suppose to do about school. I have no idea how I’m going to make it back next semester. God is gonna have to do something. And then I have to figure out what I’m gonna do about school next year. Argh it’s all just so much. I wish I could just do what I want, which is have a family of my own, and not have to worry about getting a degree and a career. Man, I think I just need some sleep. Hopefully things will look better in the morning. Now I think I’ll watch some BBC.

I was going through an old journal and found this poem that I wrote when I was around eighteen I think.

‘No longer a child. Childhood is gone; passed away. Just memories stored away in a dusty part of the mind. It came and went too quickly. As a child you count the days till your next birthday, but then you wake up one morning and realize your childhood countdown has come to and end. As a child you spent your days playing, but now you’ve woken up and realized you’ve forgotten how to play. I use to go to bed excited for the next day to begin; another day filled with play. Now all I want to do is go to bed and never get up again. Childhood days are filled with excitement and new things to learn and do. Now days pass by in a depressing daze of monotony. What to do now with you”adult” self. (Don’t kid yourself, you’re not ready for adulthood; not ready to face the world). Childhood was filled with random fears. Well so is adulthood, but so is adulthood, but the fears are more real now. Decisions as a child are much simpler  and less consequential. What candy bar should I have? But adult decisions are horrifying . What should I do with my life? Many consequences  will stem from this one question.            Child – what should I be when I grow up?  Adult – What should I be now that I’ve grown up?’

I wrote this during a time of my life that had no light; no hope. This is different from most of my poems because it’s not in poem form, and it’s also a lot lighter in content then my other ones. Reading this though I became so full of joy and thankfulness because Christ has saved me from this. I read this and the following came out:

‘How did I ever lose sight of my Lover?

Life ripped me away from Him. A daze overcame me.

I was stolen away before I’d even realized where I’d been.

Tragedy and sorrow overcame me.

My life meant nothing to me.

Oh, but it meant everything to my Lover.

I’d lost Him, but He’d never lost me.

He had a plan of rescue for me from the beginning.

His love overcame that which had been bound.

He ran to me and broke my chains.

He picked me up and carried me to safety.

There He healed my scars and showed me His  never-ending love.

When I’d felt unloved His love had always been there.

He’d been every night amidst the blood and the pain, but I’d just never recognized Him.

Oh, but now I am restored in my Lover.

Once again I’ve been made pure.

I’ve been given the lightness of heart that comes in living with the lover.

Trust and Peace; Joy and Hope are all mine in Him.

He holds me once again, and will never lose me.

Each new day with Him is a blessing.

Each day He pours forth His love.

My spirit dances within me whenever I’m with Him; for He has taught me how to dance, and forever I will dance with Him.’

It’s not much a poem. It’s really just what I was feeling as a result of my old writings. Praise God that I’ve been saved.

Last night was the very first time that I had stayed up all night to pray. My school had an all night prayer meeting, and it was incredible. I can’t even describe it. It’s the sort of thing that has to be experienced I think. 

I’ve gotten a few hours of sleep now, and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how I’m feeling. My body isn’t very happy with me, not for the lack of sleep though, but because I was up for so many hours and didn’t eat enough food, so my blood pressure dropped, and I’m feeling the effects of the that, but my physical status means very little at this point. It just kinda adds the the feeling of….I can’t even think of a word for how I feel. It’s too many words. I wanna say that I feel anti climatic, but this isn’t really true because of all the different feelings that are stirring inside of me.  I feel an incredible amount of love; God’s love for me and a love for people that I have never felt so strongly. Though my body is feeling heavy my spirit is feeling very light, which is weird to me because I feel a few certain things to be weighing on my spirit pretty heavily. I feel joy, and peace, and I feel like dancing around some more. 

I went into last night very confused, and during the whole time I had to fight to keep from letting my mind wander over to distractions. I can’t say that I feel any less confused. Maybe even more so, but I do have more peace in my confusion. I trust God more with the way things will turn out. I trust God to be my everything, especially my comfort, and I trust God to be my wisdom. It was not an easy night to say the least, but it was so good. God is so good. I could just go on writing, but I’m going to stop here for now.