My Soliloquy

I wish I didn’t feel so alone. I know that I am not alone because God is with me, but I do feel alone. I just wish that I had someone to share my life with. I wish I had someone to talk to about everything; someone that wouldn’t judge me, or preach at me, but listen and be there. I’m so glad that I have God because I don’t know how I would handle this time of my life without being able to pour out my heart to him. I have a few good friends that I can share a lot with, but none of them REALLY know me, and I’m tired of not being known. God knows me though; better than I know myself. It brings me a lot of comfort knowing that the God who knows me best is the one who has written out my life story, and provided the way for me. A really cool thought is that He’s also done that for my husband, and that He wrote both of us into the others story. There is a lot of peace in remembering this.

Haha…but life can be so frustrating – in a hilarious way. Have you ever been so frustrated that all you can do is either laugh or cry? Well I’ve been laughing an awful lot lately. God is so good, but I wish He would give me an idea of what is going on. He’s stretching me, and it’s not very comfortable, but I know that it will be good. I do trust Him, so despite the seeming storm I’m at peace. I know that God knows my heart, and even though my heart feels very vulnerable at the moment, all I can do is trust Him to either protect it, or mend it if it gets bruised. I know in order to have any type of relationship you have to be vulnerable, and that’s so scary, but I have to trust God. I will do my best to protect myself, but in the end I have to trust God.

I know that I am not as easily annoyed as a lot people, and I try to not let people know just how annoyed I am about something, but I do have some pet peeves that at times frustrate the heck out of me (some more than others of course). 

I’ve got some little peeves like people who leave their hair in the shower drain. That one just grosses me out. Also when people leave dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is empty. I mean seriously, how lazy can you get? Or when people use other people’s shampoo or eat their food without asking. Smacking gum or loudly swallowing a drink also irritates me. I realize people can’t really control how loudly they swallow, but I might say something if the gum smacking really bugs me. Oh, and I really don’t like it when I get stuck behind people who walk slow. Ask any of my friends, and they’ll likely confirm this. Seriously if you wanna be last to get where you’re going then let those behind you past.

A bigger thing that really annoys me though is when people complain about being tired when they’ve actually gotten more sleep than me. Someone who averages less then 5 hours of sleep a night I have some compassion for, but some people need to just suck it up, and get through the day. The worst concerning sleep though is when someone blames their lack of sleep for acting bitchy toward everyone (forgive my language). I’ve suffered from insomnia for as long as I can remember, and I know what it’s like to be beyond tired, but I try very hard to watch my attitude when I’ve gotten less sleep than normal. I always feel bad when I realize I’ve let my lack of sleep cause me to treat someone wrong, and hopefully I will continue to get better in this area. 

Argh. Another thing that REALLY bugs me is when people make jokes about struggle that other people have. It frustrates the crap out of me when people make light of a situation that is the heaviest thing in the world to someone else. For example, when people make light of eating disorders, suicide, or self-harming tendencies. There is very little that frustrates me more than this. People seem to just not realize what these things mean to some people. Like how not everyone who cuts is an “emo” or just attention seeking, and when jokes are made about this it not only brings up thoughts of cutting that I cutter fights against, but it also makes light of their struggle, and it’s anything but a light issue. People seriously need to watch their words and actions because you never know how what you say is going to affect someone around you, and it might surprise you who is affected. Seriously you should just keep your mouth shut, and don’t make fun of things you can’t begin to understand.

Once again I should be doing homework, but instead I am writing this blog. I haven’t blogged for a while, and I thought I’d take this opportunity of procrastination to write one. So here is some more random procrastinating thoughts.

I’ve never really liked October very much, but I’m loving it this year. It is one of the most beautiful months of the year (as long as your not looking at Halloween decorations). 

I found out today that I get to give my first real speech on the 28th and I’m actually kinda excited.

I think iced tea sounds amazing right now…or perhaps and iced caramel latte.

I’m so in the Christmas spirit already, and I don’t care what all the scrooges say, it’s totally not too early to listen to Christmas music. Yup I’ve got the Christmas Shivers real bad : )

I need to get new strings for my guitar. 

I love my school so much, and it’s hard to imagine not coming back next year, but we’ll see what happens I guess.

I just got offered a crazy sweet job that I likely will never see the likes of again, but I probably can’t accept it. 

It’s amazing how great life can be when you actually meet with God everyday….go figure. 

I think red headed kids are the cutest. 

I need to figure out how I’m voting this year. Argh I don’t have time to read the information on all the measure and stuff. Well at least I’m a good enough citizen to care about voting. 

I’m always in the mood for a Jamba Juice which means I could go for one right now.

I’m stoked to see my brother soon!!!!!!!

 I want to go on a trip so badly. Preferably somewhere that would involve a plane ride.

I’m concerned for my sleep this week. I always have trouble sleeping, especially in the dorms, but I make up for this by getting a lot of sleep on Saturdays. Well this saturday I have to get up at 6am to go to a children worker’s conference. How annoying is that. I can’t get out of it though cuz I’ll lose my job if I don’t go. 

I’m really toying with the idea of getting contacts. 

I think God is asking me to do something, but I’m afraid to do it. I know my fear doesn’t matter though. I will be obedient and trust that God give me what I need to do His will.

I’m beginning to see that singleness is a blessing. Not that I actually want to be single, but I am content in my singleness. Besides no guy has ever shown himself worthy of my heart anyway.

I can’t wait to see how God comes through for my family especially concerning our desperate need for a new roof. 

I miss my pet rat Zoey. She was the coolest.

I love my mom so much, and I wish I could give her some of my sleep. Sorry mom that I can’t help you with that. I’m praying for you though. Hugs from me to you.

Oh reader don’t be jealous of my mother. Here is a hug for you too (X).

Oh, I just thought of what to write my next blog about, but you’ll have to wait. Aren’t you curious now?