My Soliloquy

God is so absolutely amazing. Truly, I can’t even find words to describe it. The only way I can express this is through speaking in tongues, and I don’t think I could really type that out very well.

I just got back from summer camp and I had a really great time, but walking away from the experience I feel more confused than when I went into it. There is so much that I’m just not sure about right now, but I did come away from camp encouraged, and more determined to trust God. I know that God has a plan for my life, and I know I can trust Him. But I really feel like my entire life is in the air, and I’m just waiting for it to come down and start making some sense again. 

Remarkably, even with the great amounts of confusion, I feel closer to God than ever before, and what i want most of all is to be with Him. I have some other really strong desires though that tend to distract me, but at camp I was reminded once again to just trust God. I hope all the time that these desires line up with God’s will for me, but I want to hold my desires with an open hand so that God can change them if He sees fit to. For a while now I’d been frustrated by my desires because I felt that they are too strong, but at camp God showed me how my desires relate to Him because He feels such desires toward me. This revelation was so amazing to me. It really freed me to live with my desires, and inspired me to do my best to fulfill God’s.

I really need some counsel right now. I cannot make sense of everything in my life without help. I go over stuff, but never come to any conclusion except that I don’t know what to do. I just hold on, and keep going from day to day, praying that God will disclose some things to me. In a lot of the things I’m dealing with right now I hold no real power to see change. In these things I have to be fully dependent on God, and wait for His timing. Despite all the confusion though, I’m not really that worried. I’m trusting God, and will continue to wait even though I do go through times of great impatience. But who am I to rush God? No, I will just pray and trust, and do my best to do what I can while I wait.

The first week of school is officially over, and looking back at it, I get very excited for what the rest of the semester has in store. It was so great to be back at school with all my friends, and teachers. I knew I’d missed them all over the summer, but I didn’t realize to what extent until I was back with them all.I can’t believe I was away from them for so long. I’m so glad to be able to see them all again every day. I am disappointed though because I don’t get to live on campus with everyone this semester, but I know God has His reasons for this, and hopefully I will be on campus next semester. 

I’m trying really hard not to feel overwhelmed with my work load, or with what my work load is going to be anyway. I am looking forward to the challenge despite how I sometimes feel, and am praying for the Lord’s guidance concerning everything, especially my schedule. 

Speaking of homework, I should probably finish this blog, and go get some homework done.

Do you ever feel like no one could possibly understand what it is you’re feeling inside? I think everyone, or at least the majority of people experience this feeling, so I know I’m not alone in this. I am alone in what this feeling is doing to me though. The only other time I’ve ever felt this alone, and overwhelmed was a very dark time in my life and I barely made it out alive. I’m not fearing for my life this time around, but the ache of the aloneness is more than I can bare alone. I keep being tempted to my old ways of escaping this feeling, but the temptations are no longer strong enough for me to stumble into because I am not alone as Christ is my strength, and by this I am confident in His help. I will not take matters into my own hands, but will continue to lay them at my Lord’s feet for His will to be done.

I’m about to start a new school year that I’m totally excited about, but with the school year comes trials that are causing me to feel alone. It’s not the school itself, but the things I’m having to do in exchange for going to school. I have an amazing group of friends, and amazing teachers as well that I know all have my back, but knowing this has not helped what I feel largely because I will not be with them all the time. The loneliness is still prevalent inside me. No one can see how I am pathetically toiling through my situation. No one knows the fear that randomly overtakes me concerning this next move in my life, and the pain that this fear causes, both physically and emotionally. But though I fear I will not be afraid of being overcome, and though I feel alone I know that I am never alone, even when I feel I am. Joshua 1:5-9 reminds me of what I’m here for, and that as I go through this time of life God will never leave me. I do not have to fear loneliness, but I do have to remember to seek God always; to position myself before His thrown, and trust in His ways and timing. This will not last forever, and great things will be birthed from this. (Yes, birthed is the perfect word to describe this) I will stand strong in the midst of trial, and lie weak before the will of my Father. 

I know only a few people are likely to read this, so I don’t fear being honest. I just ask that anyone who does read this would keep me in their prayers because I need them. Thanks.

I haven’t felt so bummed out in a really long time. First off I’d been looking forward to my church’s annual camping trip since last years camping trip ended. Just two days before the camp out I came down with a really soar throat,  but was feeling better in time for the camp out so I decided to go. Well last night I was there enjoying myself, but at like 5 this morning it started raining and didn’t stop all morning. It was so cold and damp, and I started not feeling well again, so I went home.  How freaking lame is that. I can’t believe I missed out on the one thing I’d been looking forward to all summer long. AAAAAHHHHHH. I’m so upset. Seriously.  

Second thing…..MY BEAUTIFUL CAR!!!! seems to be on it’s last leg, or tire that is. It looks like its transmission has lost its will to function. No lie, I started crying. I love my stupid purple car and I can’t afford to buy a new car. We can’t just fix the transmission cuz putting a new transmission with an engine with as many miles on it as mine has, just destroys the engine. I really don’t know how this is going to work out. I’m so attached to my car. It is my first car, and it’s been so great. I’ve always felt that my car was a gift from God. $1000 for a car that ran awesome for three years. I’m seriously so sad, and trying really hard to trust God to provide.

The other day I was thanking God because I’m not all freaking out about starting school, like I was last year at this time. Then I was all nervous about moving into the dorms at school, and all the things that come along with starting out at a new school. I’m actually totally looking forward to school this year, and can’t wait to see all my friends, but sadly I’ve reached the pointed where I’ve begun to freak out again. This time though I’m not freaking out about school, but about moving into my dad’s place. I wouldn’t be freaking out at all if I was moving back into the dorms. Not that the dorms were so great, but they had their pros. 

I was suppose to crash at my dad’s last night in what is suppose to be my new room (which is actually the basement where all the random stuff gets stored) (hey wait does that make me random stuff?). I didn’t end up sleeping there though, but I was there long enough to totally get myself all freaked out about living there, and I’ve concluded that I REALLY DON’T WANT TO! I’m telling ya I would be a whole lot happier if I was moving back into the dorms, even if it meant having a roommate. Seriously, I’m freakin terrified about the whole situation. After being at my dad’s yesterday there is not one part of me that wants to move in there, and I hate that I feel that way. It doesn’t really have anything to do with my dad, though I’m sure it would be a lot easier if I had a better relationship with everyone there (this could be my chance for that though). I just wish there was some way around this, but I don’t have the money I need to live in the dorms:( Needless to say I’m very unhappy, and would do anything to get out of this. I just want everything to work out, and for me to not have some kind of emotional breakdown in the process. I could REALLY use some prayer.

I had a really good day today, but came very close to cheating myself out of a good time. Today I went to Ape Caves with my pastor and his three kids. His daughter and I had been wanting to go all summer, and finally convinced him to take us. We made plans to meet at his house in the morning and go from there. Well last night I started getting all anxious about going, for no real reason at all, and ended up leaning toward not going. My pastor’s daughter stayed last night at my house, so in the morning I had to take her home, and we were going to leave from there. The whole way to the house I couldn’t decide what to do. I really just wanted to stay home and read. (yeah i know that’s lame, but that’s normally what I prefer to do). I got to the house and waited for everyone to get ready to leave, all the while thinking of excuses I could use to get out of the trip. My normal excuse is to say I’m not feeling well, and this excuse is often truth because I make myself sick from anxiety. I was totally about ready to use this excuse, but at the last minute decided to just stick it out even though I was still feeling terribly anxious.

I often end up deciding on not doing something because of the anxiety I feel over doing things. Even if it’s something I really want to do, a huge portion of the time I end up not doing it. I’m so glad I was able to get over myself, and go today because I had a really great time. I hadn’t been to Ape Caves in years, and really hadn’t enjoyed my last visit there, but today was really fun; tiring, but fun. We did the more difficult “trail” and it seemed to take forever, but we all made it to the end with only a few bruises and scrapes as evidence of making it through.

The real highlight for me was how I totally own the 8 1/2 ft. vertical lava fall. Last time I had to have major help getting up it, but this time I made it up all by myself. (I’m very proud).

Anyway, I’m so thankful that I didn’t cheat myself out of such a good time, and I hope that in the future I will be able not let anxiety cause me to back out of so many dates, and events.